


Plan Omega Alpha

by Vipersweb (Rhianona)



Series: Tosh & Ianto's Empire [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Torchwood
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-01
Updated: 2008-10-01
Packaged: 2017-10-10 12:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/99801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhianona/pseuds/Vipersweb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tosh & Ianto take over the world</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plan Omega Alpha

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skellerbvvt](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=skellerbvvt).



> Disclaimer: [Insert witty comment here] Torchwood and Doctor Who do not belong to me
> 
> In honor of skellerbvvt's birthday. This is pure crack. Honestly. Slight Gwen bashing, but meant in good humor. Also Owen bashing, again, meant in good humor. Clueless!Jack. Tolerant!TARDIS. Oblivious!Doctor.

In all honesty, it shouldn't have come as such a surprise: the furtive looks, the hastily quieted conversations, the way the two of them just _happened_ to disappear at the same time, the way they had always seemed to know what was going on, even when they shouldn't really have.

The one time Jack had asked Ianto if he and Tosh were having an affair, Ianto had laughed for a full ten minutes before kissing Jack and telling him to stop being so silly.

His question didn't stop their behavior. In fact, Jack could have sworn that the two had increased it, smiling wickedly when they saw him as they went about their duties.

It made him incredibly nervous.

As it turned out, he perhaps should have paid a bit more attention to the two of them. But then he had always claimed that the 21st Century was when everything changes.

***

Jack liked to surround himself with smart people. It usually meant that he didn't have to die nearly as often as if he had been surrounded by the usual Torchwood Three agent. It was one reason he was kind of glad Alex had shot everyone at the Millennium. Oh, he had genuinely liked his fellow agents, but they weren't exactly the brightest bunch of people. Hartman and One had hated Three long before he had become its head. They expressed their displeasure by ensuring the people who staffed the Cardiff-based operations were of the last resort: none of the agents would ever make the cut in London, which only hired the best and brightest.

But once Alex had killed everyone - and on New Years - so very distracting for Jack, who had really expected to find a party going on, not a bunch of corpses that he then had to dispose of. And the clean up! All that blood! But it did mean that Jack finally got to find his _own_ agents. It was like a surprise party! He invited only the best he could find, and really? He hadn't done too badly. Well Suzie was kind of a loss, but he honestly hadn't remembered that the Glove was addictive and its wielders inevitably ended up insane. (He had failed his C'thu'rbi tech exam in Time Agency school. Most of their tech was slightly creepy and boring. Who really wanted to bring back someone from the dead for sixty seconds? It seemed such a waste of a perfectly good glove.)

At any rate, the team Jack had found were, for the most part, his dream team. Finding Tosh in that creepy UNIT prison had been a great stroke of luck and all he had had to do was promise to keep her on a tight leash for five years. He couldn't believe they had let him get away with that. Obviously the heads of UNIT hadn't thought beyond the short-term. After all, it wasn't as if Tosh had been incarcerated for passing information to the enemy. No, as soon as Jack had seen she had constructed a sonic device from flawed blueprints, he had known he had to have her on his team. Luckily, UNIT hadn't objected to his offer.

Owen, for all his bitchiness, was actually a brilliant doctor. He just didn't really like patients anymore. It was probably for the best that he used the majority of his skills for autopsies now a days. Jack really didn't need another employee going crazy. Plus, he had that whole tragic fiancee-killed-by-alien thing going on. It was a bit sexy.

Jack had chosen Gwen because he thought it might be worthwhile to have someone nice on his team. He was bored, she was there, had defeated Retcon, and knew he couldn't die. He didn't feel like killing her - Suzie killing him and then herself had rather turned him off death and destruction for the moment. And he was sure they could find _something_ for her to do. Or maybe he could sell her to visiting aliens? The last time the Vlardin ambassador had come through, he had expressed interest in taking a human back to his home world. And it wasn't like he would _tell_ her what he was doing. He was sure she would be fine expanding human-Vlardin relations. Just permanently. He bet he could even get the Vlardin to accept Rhys!

But that was neither here nor there, at the moment. Gwen might have been the last one he personally recruited, but he privately admitted to himself, that his best addition had been Ianto. Ianto had fought to get on his team, had stalked Jack in all his delicious sexiness and coffee goodness. Normally, Jack wouldn't have made such a fuss about adding Ianto to his team. Ianto was gorgeous, and had a cute accent. He was smart, and determined. But Jack was still sulking because he had missed the Doctor - again. And read that Rose had died at Canary Wharf. And UNIT had tried to steal the best of the alien tech that had survived the implosion of One, so he had had to go to lots of meetings to make sure he and not they, got the good stuff. And then the stupid Future Operations Committee had insisted that he meet with them to help "formulate the new direction of Torchwood."

Of course Ianto had ignored his stubbornness and pulled out the big guns: a _dinosaur_. It didn't matter that Jack was from the 51st Century and had been a Time Agent for many years. He was still like a kid in a toy store when dinosaurs were mentioned. And now Ianto had managed to get him his very own Pteradon to keep! Jack just hoped that he could find Ianto just as good a gift when his yearly review came up.

***

What Jack didn't realize was that it wasn't just that Lisa was Ianto's girlfriend that had caused him to try and save her. Really, he was hoping to fix the bugs in her and the Cyber technology. He figured if he could do that, then taking over the world would be a _much_ easier task. Too bad Lisa had decided to try and kill everyone.

She would have made a _wonderful_ bodyguard. But then so would Jack, once he was trained a bit. It was one reason Ianto made sure to keep Jack interested in him. The fact he was also fantastic in bed, was merely a bonus.

On the upside, he had found a willing ally in his quest. Tosh had come to him during his "suspension" (and honestly. What was Jack thinking? Suspending him for four weeks and then coming to visit him for hours at a time, while looking at him soulfully, but not actually _saying_ anything?) and offered to let him in on _her_ plan for world domination.

"I've come to realize that while I _could_ do it on my own, it will be easier with you. Didn't think you had it in you, but the Cyberman thing - that was just inspiring."

Ianto nodded modestly. She was right. And really. If the partnership thing didn't work out, he could always try to kill her. Or sell her. The Vlardin ambassador kept trying to buy a pet human to take back to his home world. Though Jack had been making noises about selling Gwen to him. And Tosh actually was a benefit to humanity.

Ianto found that his plan synced up with Tosh's. They had some time to perfect it - Tosh had to behave until her five years was up. "It's not that I'm afraid of Jack," she explained to Ianto, a little bit embarrassed. "But he did get me out of the UNIT detention center a lot sooner than I could have managed."

He could understand her feelings. "I presume UNIT is on The List?" he asked delicately. The List consisted of agencies and people who needed… retraining, if they were to function in Ianto and Tosh's new empire.

Her scathing look was her only reply. "Just wanted to make sure. You did make me take Owen off it." She had the grace to look abashed at his reminder. She couldn't logically explain why she didn't want Owen on The List; her new partner had certainly listed plenty of reasons for him to be on it, but he had acquiesced to her request after a while.

***

Tosh knew that the best way to take over the world, was to take the subtle approach. If any of her colleagues and acquaintances surpassed her when it came to subtle, it was Ianto. She had been thinking of inviting him to join her as her trusted assistant, but after the Cyberwoman incident, she had realized her plan would go all the more smoother if she worked with him. Happily, he had agreed and they had pushed forward with their plans. Out of a… fondness for Jack, she decided to wait until after her five year anniversary with Torchwood passed before they executed Plan Omega Alpha.

Her eyes narrowed in enjoyment as a wicked smile graced her lips, scaring Gwen as she scurried past, intent on pretending to work. _Oh yes,_ Tosh thought. _Soon, the world will be ours to command. Hmm… I should find Ianto and make sure the plan to distract Jack and the Doctor is in place._ That was the most delicate part of the plan. Everyone knew that the Doctor always showed up to save the Earth from overt dominion. But somehow, she didn't think Ianto would mind. He had certainly taken to distracting Jack from their plans in stride - and with enthusiasm.

She really needed to find a suitable bodyguard. Maybe one of those UNIT soldiers. While they _were_ UNIT, she did like her some men in uniform. And there was that young Scot attached to Colonel Mace's division that looked promising. She made a mental note to look up Ross Jenkins' personnel file.

***

Earth was the Doctor's favorite planet. Well, since Gallifrey had been destroyed. It hadn't started that way - oh no! He had _hated_ Earth. And its populace. Only reason he had first visited it, was because his granddaughter had insisted. Still, there was something nice to be said about the third planet from the Sun. They had chips.

Chips were _incredibly_ vital to a Time Lord. Also, bananas. The Doctor was quite possessive about bananas. Mostly because people kept trying to take them from him! It was so unfair.

Ahem. Anyway, the TARDIS was taking him to Earth. She insisted that they pop by every so often. He sometimes thought she was trying to tell him something, but he honestly didn't know what. He had failed the TARDIS communication class. Though he still maintained it was because the Master kept distracting him by putting bugs down his shirt, while the Rani tied his shoelaces together. It was all very unfair, but the instructors had ignored his complaints. Fortunately, he had been very clever and eventually stolen his TARDIS.

His TARDIS liked Cardiff. He didn't quite understand that. Cardiff didn't have any banana trees. It did have chips though. And Jack. The Doctor felt a bit bad about telling Jack he was "wrong." He hadn't meant to hurt the immortal's feelings. It was just that the Doctor had been feeling very stressed. Martha had eaten the last of his bananas and the chip shop had been _closed_ in Cardiff. And there was Jack, looking as gorgeous as always, and _yes_, he pinged on his Time RADAR as a bit of an annoyance, but really. He might have taken it a tad bit too far.

Also, he probably shouldn't have held the dead Master in his arms and cried. The Master hadn't been very nice to Jack. Or Martha's family. Or really him. But it was _the Master_ and while they all saw a murderous, psychotic, petulant Time Lord, the Doctor still saw that same little Gallifreyan, who had slipped bugs down his shirt, and pulled his hair.

"What do you say, old girl? A trip to Cardiff? Say hi to Jack?" he asked. He assumed the TARDIS agreed with him because suddenly they were off and away. Hopefully this time the chip shop would be open.

It wasn't long before they had arrived, and while the TARDIS refueled, the Doctor happily traipsed through the streets of Cardiff. No sooner had he arrived at the chip shop, than Jack came running up to him.

"Doctor! So nice of you to drop by," he panted. Maybe Ianto was right and he did need to exercise more.

"Oh Jack! So good to see you. Look at this! They have chips!" the Doctor said brightly, his hands full of newspaper and his nose twitching at the yummy scent.

Jack looked at him as if he were simple. This was a chip shop. Of course there would be chips. "Do you have time? Or can you stay and meet my team?"

"Do you have bananas?"

"Why don't we go and find out?" Jack asked, grabbing hold of the Time Lord and steering him towards the Hub. He was certain Ianto would be able to satisfy the Doctor's cravings… and if he were supremely lucky, Ianto would let the Doctor join them tonight. His eyes glazed as he got lost in one of his favorite fantasies. Fortunately, he was well-used to finding the Hub without paying any attention, so they didn't fall into the Bay. Ianto would be happy. Last time that had happened, he had scolded Jack. Apparently, sea water just ruined Jack's coat. And Ianto really _liked_ Jack's coat.

***

The TARDIS sighed as the Doctor once again ignored her warnings. She had been trying for years to get him to realize the nefarious plans one Toshiko Sato and one Ianto Jones had for the Earth. But each time the Doctor had a chance to nip it in the bud, so to speak, the silly Time Lord went blithely on his way, finding yet _another_ crisis to get involved in. And he wondered why Torchwood had named him Enemy Number One.

At this point, she rather thought that the two humans had the right idea of it all. They certainly couldn't do worse than the Doctor and his fumblings, and _they_ seemed to have an actual plan.

Her decision to concede the field had absolutely _nothing_ to do with the lovely set of compliments, complete cleaning, fresh coffee, and uploading of the complete series of _James Bond_ films, that the two humans had given her last time she had stopped in Cardiff. Nope. Not at all.

***

It was time. Ianto and Tosh grinned at each other maniacally. Owen backed away from them carefully, deciding that he had somewhere else to be. Somewhere far, far away from the two of them. He only hoped he escaped the blast radius. He crept down to the cells and locked himself in with Janet. She looked at him balefully, but at least she wouldn't try to kill him. At least he hoped not.

Gwen was not that fortunate. But the Vlardin ambassador was due next week, so at least someone would be happy.

The Doctor was happily munching on the banana Ianto had efficiently procured for him, sipping the tea brewed to perfect by the young Welshman, while Jack drooled next to him. Ianto had agreed to his suggestion and his mind was already imagining the different ways in which the three of them could play naked Twister later that night, and the best way to cheat. Ianto always called him on it, but never really punished him for it.

Ross stood bemusedly in the corner. The transfer request had taken UNIT by surprise, but they were so desperate to get an operative inside Torchwood that they had all but thrown him at them. So far as he could determine, the only sane ones were Sato and Jones. Captain Harkness had assigned him to protect Sato, which mainly seemed to consist of standing by her shoulder and watching her while she worked. He couldn't really complain as she seemed really, really nice. And Jones made an effort to provide him with his coffee just as he liked it, and stocked the pantry with the foods he liked. Really, he had nothing to complain about.

With a tiny tap of a key, plan Omega Alpha was initiated, and the new Earth Empire was born. Jack was right. The 21st Century was when everything changed. Just not the way he assumed.

***

Later that night, Ianto led the Doctor and Jack back to his home, Twister tucked under his arm, a bushel of bananas in his shopping bag, and a few toys he had liberated from the Archives that Jack didn't think he knew about. This was a night for celebration. Tomorrow, he and Tosh would start the hard work.

Ross followed Tosh to her home, carrying the files she had so prettily asked him to help her with. He failed to see the slightly predatory smirk on her face at his eager agreement. His commanders at UNIT had told him to gain Torchwood's trust using whatever methods possible. Going home with Tosh seemed like a good start. Tosh, for her part, had already planned how she as going to let him "seduce" her. He was such a sweet lad.

Janet huddled at one end of the cage, glaring at the invader to her home. She couldn't wait until the morning, when she would be released and returned to her home world, as per her agreement with Sato and Jones. Really, pretending to be a vicious and primitive alien had been a much worse undercover assignment than she had been led to believe. She was demanding that her next assignment was somewhere nice. And tropical. With those little umbrella drinks. She sighed as the little man who had subjected her to the most inane tests, shuffled quietly in his corner. Maybe she would ask Sato and Jones if she could take him with her.

As for Gwen, she wandered through her flat, touching things at random and pouting, while Rhys watched her with some concern. She had been so quiet - which was so unlike her - all night. All he had gotten from her was that someone called the Doctor had arrived and gone home with Ianto and Jack. He didn't understand why she was so upset. And really. Did she have to pace in front of the telly while the rugby was on?

The TARDIS sighed happily as she watched Daniel Craig emerge from the surf. She burped delicately as she fed from the Rift. This was the life. Maybe the Doctor could be convinced to stay here a bit longer. She could use a bit of a break without people trying to kill him and destroy her.

***

Plan Omega Alpha worked even better than Tosh and Ianto had dreamed it would. Within the year, they ruled via proxy the whole of the Earth. Tosh added Tommy to her harem, after the TARDIS agreed to take her to save him in exchange for the Christopher Nolan _Batman_ movies. The Doctor decided he liked a steady supply of bananas and chips, and the fun games Ianto and Jack kept introducing him to. He was determined not to leave until he figured out a way to beat them. Ianto was quite pleased to have Jack and the Doctor in his harem. He did so enjoy introducing them to a more… innovative and avant garde lifestyle.

The Vlardin ambassador was more than happy with his purchase of Gwen. Gwen, of course, thought she was on an ambassadorial mission and didn't understand why her requests to return home were laughed at. Rhys discovered that he did not want to live on a world without rugby. Gwen hadn't looked back - she thought that this post would have to make Jack and the Doctor pay attention to her.

As for Jack, he was still convinced that he had surrounded himself with the smartest people in the world. While he sometimes worried that Ianto and Tosh were having an affair, he took comfort in the fact that Ianto spent every night, and some afternoons and the occasional morning, engaged in various forms of sexual activity with him and the Doctor.

He had a team and he was ready: the 21st Century was when everything changes. He just needed to wait for it.

_/fin_


End file.
